Official Statement Re: J.C. Penney Father’s Day ad

John G. Hartness (JGH) is pleased that JC Penney (JCP) is continuing down the same path of promoting inclusivity and tolerance in their advertisements. In JCP’s June catalog, there is another family-centered ad, but this time with two dads celebrating Father’s Day. BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

The ad show two men on the floor playing and hugging their two children at home. It read, “First Pals – What makes Dad so cool? He’s the swim coach, tent maker, best friend, bike fixer and hug giver – all rolled into one. Or two. Real-life dads Todd Koch and Cooper Smith with their children Claire and Mason.”

It is obvious that JCP would rather take sides than remain neutral in the culture war. JCP has already heard from the other side ( so they need to hear from us as well. Our persistence will pay off! We must remain diligent and stand up for tolerance, openness, acceptance and love of all people, regardless of color, creed, sexual orientation, gender identity or anything else that a person is born with and can’t help. We don’t have to accept assholes, though. Assholes suck, no matter what religious shroud they wrap themselves in. My country was founded on freedom from religious persecution, and I have faith that eventually people will yank their heads out of their asses on this matter and stop using religion as a club to beat down other people. I know what Jesus would do about that BS – see: moneylenders in temple. Then he’d turn water into wine and we’d chill. Cause JC was cool like dat.

JGH will continue to support JCP and will try to find one somewhere near his house to shop at as long as they continue to speak out for social justice and equality. If you receive their advertising booklets or catalogs in the mail, JGH recommends that you cheek it out, ’cause your threads are looking a little jacked up. Just sayin’. If they receive an onslaught of orders from people that think there are times when two dads are better than one, or the no dads that far too many babies are raised with in this day and age, they will take notice. Also, you may email, call or use their contact form on their website to tell them “Good on ya!” If you have a store credit card, you really should close that shit, because store cards have suck-ass interest rates and debt is bad and stuff. Be sure to tell them that you are canceling your card because you’re embarking on a new life of fiscal responsibility and that it has nothing to do with them being cool in their advertising.

Obviously this is a parody of the statement issued by One Million Moms about the recent JC Penney mailer. I believe pretty much everything written here, but I use the satirical form for emphasis and to protect me from libel when I call people assholes. It’s kinda what satirists have done for centuries, all the way back to the Fool in ye olde king’s court. Of course, he often got his head chopped off, so maybe that’s not the best example. But you get my point – there was a letter, this is a parody of the letter, but it’s still what I believe. Gay people happen. Deal with it. Don’t be a dick. 

(“Don’t be a dick” h/t Wil Wheaton. I don’t think he can copyright that one, but he did kinda corner the market on it, so I’ll give him a little shouty-shout. Hi, Wil!)

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3 thoughts on “Official Statement Re: J.C. Penney Father’s Day ad

  1. Keep up the good fight. Who da thunk it from a redneck Southern boy like you? Now get on Al to have another Bash and I’ll buy you a beer

  2. As a good southern redneck who known who has known more than one Bubba in her life, I approve of this message.

  3. Bloomberg reports that at the Metropolitan Opera, “Master electrician Paul Donahue, earned $516,577 in pay and benefits in 2010, up 18 percent from a year earlier. The stagehand’s compensation topped that of the best-paid stagehand at Carnegie Hall, Dennis O’Connell, who earned $436,097 that year, according to the tax return of Carnegie Hall.”

    Maybe it is time to put the other hat back on at least for a year or so until the writing exceeds stage work.

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